Victoria Wilson, peer support operational manager at Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust, is sharing her experience of ADHD to mark Neurodiversity Celebration Week.
Neurodiversity Celebration Week aims to bring about worldwide neurodiversity acceptance, equality, and inclusion by the sharing of stories courageously, so we don’t feel alone, it may also open up hearts and encourage kindness, to each other and most importantly to ourselves and encourage others to ask for help when they need it, which is always a brave thing to do.
As I grew up, I was a happy soul, free, confident and full of ambition. I was described as bright, I could talk at a very young age, advanced for primary school. I was sometimes loud, energetic, enthusiastic, and a bit of a chatterbox. However, I did have some struggles. I would often daydream in the classroom. I was easily distracted by noise, lights, and smells and preoccupied with my internal thoughts. I would forget and lose things all the time. But I was described as canny and clever, so no one was worried.
I was easily distracted by noise, lights, and smells and preoccupied with my internal thoughts. I would forget and lose things all the time. But I was described as canny and clever, so no one was worried.
Then secondary school came, and things quickly began to worsen, humiliated by my inability to recall information, or understand teaching methods, struggling, and was overwhelmed academically, the repeated failure to meet expectations became too much to carry. After failing my A levels, I started and left many jobs. I travelled around the world, city to city packing up when things got difficult, poor relationships, addiction struggles, chronic stress, poor physical health, and using self-destructive behaviours.
My life then followed a rollercoaster of events spiralling down a one-way tunnel unable to see the light, a lifetime of missed chances, broken dreams and broken hope, reoccurring burnout. Life was constantly pushing against everything I would try, some things were hard to do, some even impossible. My world was filled with constant chaos, every day comparing myself to others and which was incredibly harmful and fuelled my negative thinking and self-talk and kept me on the roller-coaster destruction cycle. I wondered why I couldn’t keep my house tidy, do well at academic writing, keep on with long term plans, pay bills on time or manage my diet/alcohol.
My shame made me feel like I had to try to be perfect and prevented me from asking for help, I would rather fail and be viewed as stupid, I could not let anyone see the real me it was easier for me to take on the role of the delinquent who didn’t care. The shame I was carrying about feeling different was debilitating, deeply embedded. “The worst loneliness is not being comfortable with yourself” a saying credited to Mark Twain.
In 2019 I fell apart, shattered and it was at this point I took the leap to seek help, opened myself up to put myself back together, exposed my vulnerabilities and fears. After seeking help, I received a diagnosis of ADHD at the age of 40.
In 2019 I fell apart, shattered and it was at this point I took the leap to seek help, opened myself up to put myself back together, exposed my vulnerabilities and fears. After seeking help, I received a diagnosis of ADHD at the age of 40.
I began to learn about my brain, my neurodivergent brain, both on my own and with professionals. I also connected with others who are neurodivergent.
As part of the healing process, I had to go back to when I felt free, I began learning to unlearn, through developing understanding, treating myself with kindness, and awareness of my abilities I created a sense of belonging which has now brought me to acceptance. I am now able to forgive myself and often tell my younger self that she was pushing as hard as she could in a world that was not built for her.
I found that young bright girl full of hopes and dreams, buried under the inaccurate conclusions and opinions and beliefs about herself and I am slowly letting go of what was holding her back she was still in there holding hope wanting to be authentic and real. Every day I try to be the person who I needed when I was younger, to answer questions not with harshness, or anger but gentleness, love, and tenderness, not judging but offering patience. Now if I become overwhelmed or have a setback i flip the narrative, I am not weak or incapable, I am brave and strong and I am worthy of compassion so maybe I should take a break and try again tomorrow.
For all those years I couldn’t see my strengths while staring at my weaknesses. As young people, we learn about how our brains and bodies work by watching those around us, and when I realised my brain worked differently, it eroded my self-esteem and impacted my mental health. I no longer have to hide to blend in or feel like I belong, I can now look past the stereotypes, stigma, and misconceptions and be at peace with my true self. The honesty and openness has enabled me to develop meaningful connections with others and where there is connection there is always strength. As human beings our identities make us who we are, all aspects of our identities are important, not only the visible characteristic but our insides, our brains and how we navigate the world.
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Albert Einstein is often credited with this remarkable quote.
I was being judged on skills I didn’t possess; it is not helpful to measure or communicate with everybody in the same way. Some of us may find certain things more difficult or challenging, or maybe we prefer to learn in a different style and may need to take a bit longer on certain tasks or need further explanation it doesn’t mean we should feel inferior or be made to feel bad about ourselves.
Neurodiversity is about the different ways as human beings we think, speak, move, and how we interact with the world. I hold hope for the future, although filled with uncertainty, that other neurodivergent brains, to those of you who may feel different, know that there is a reason why you may be struggling, and it is most certainly that you are stupid or flawed.
I wish I’d been familiar with the terms neurological differences and “neurodivergent” when I was younger. It would have made so many of the frustrating puzzle pieces fall into place. My neurodivergence is not an excuse it’s an explanation. I am different, not less, I do whole heartily believe our differences should be encouraged and embraced with kindness and that accommodation can be made for weaknesses, and that strengths are celebrated, not used against us, yes, my brain works differently, but I now see how beautiful that really is. If you spend all your time trying to get a fish to climb a tree you will never see how far it can swim. It turns out I can be me and be successful I just had to find my lake.
You can read more about Victoria and her ADHD story in this news story.
Find out more about neurodiversity on the Neurodiversity Celebration Week website.
If you think you might have ADHD, your GP or another health professional can refer you for an assessment by the Adult ADHD Service.