Peer supporter Joyce Barsdell shares her story of addiction to bring hope to others.
Joyce is a recovering alcoholic.
“As a child, I always felt different,” she says. “I used to look at other kids and think ‘how do they know what to say to each other?’ I just didn’t know how to fit in.”
Joyce spent her early years living in fear, struggling with negativity and intrusive thoughts.
She recalls the time alcohol first came into her life.
“When I was 14, I started going to the park with my friends. I still felt socially awkward and didn’t feel like I’d found my place in the world. What I did find was alcohol. I would drink in the park every Friday night, like a lot of kids do, but I had a mental obsession with alcohol from the first drink.”
A few years after that first drink, Joyce suffered several traumatic events. That was when she began using alcohol as medicine.
“Alcohol was my best friend for a long time,” Joyce says.
At 25, she was pregnant. “I didn’t drink through pregnancy but after I had my daughter, I always felt like something bad was going to happen. I had postnatal depression and couldn’t sleep. Alcohol helped with that.”
When her daughter was three, Joyce crashed her car and lost her licence.
“It’s the biggest shame I will carry,” she says. “Social services were involved and the school said I was a great mum. I had painted this picture that my life was perfect.”
Joyce’s mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2013 and that’s when the mask started to slip.
It was around this time that Joyce realised the power alcohol had over her.
“My mum’s cancer was terminal and she went into palliative care. They phoned me up to say it was going to be her last day. Instead of going straight to her bedside, I went to the shop to buy drink.
“That’s the power of addiction; alcohol came before everything. It makes you lose your morals and values. It takes everything away from you.”
Alcohol also affected Joyce’s relationship with her daughter.
“I couldn’t look after her,” she says. “I was there but I wasn’t present. I wasn’t emotionally available. She said losing her nanna was hard but that watching me lose myself was even harder.”
Joyce avoided getting help for a long time because of the shame she felt for being a mother and having problems with alcohol.
For five years, she drank in the morning and couldn’t get through a day at work without a drink.
Then, Joyce crashed her car for the second time. “I’m lucky that I never hurt anyone but it haunts me to this day that I could have done. This time, I had to be honest,” she says.
Joyce went to rehab but didn’t feel ready.
“Rehab didn’t work for me because I still carried a lot of shame. I used to say I drank lager because I thought it was better than the truth. The truth was I was drinking neat vodka from the bottle.”
Something changed when Joyce went to Alcoholics Anonymous; she was ready to accept the support she needed.
“I went every week and it took 10 months before I tried to get sober. I was sober for one day, then one week, then four weeks.
“Then I had a drink. That broke my daughter’s heart. I had taken away her hope. She said to me that vodka came before her. It was from that moment I haven’t picked up a drink.”
Joyce took some time to work on herself, committing to her recovery. She volunteered for charities and did a college course, learning how to use a computer at the age of 40.
She also studied counselling which encouraged her to go to counselling herself.
Now, Joyce works as a peer supporter at Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust, using her own experiences to help others.
“Working here has built my confidence so much,” she says. “I feel so valued and supported on the ward. I know I can be honest and not feel judged.”
Joyce is celebrating four years of sobriety and is a lot more positive about life.
“I feel like a completely different person. I used to go to bed and not want to wake up in the morning. Now, I go to bed and write a gratitude list.
“I still wake up with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, but now I can separate myself from my thoughts. I used to be resentful and hated the world. Now if I’m having a bad day, I know I can get through it.
“My life isn’t perfect but it’s amazing.”
Joyce also has a new-found love for nature.
“I must have walked around with my head down before; I didn’t notice life,” she says.
“Now, I love spending time in my garden. I’m able to feel my feelings instead of supressing them. I’d been missing out on years of joy and excitement.
“The best thing I’ve got from recovery is the ability to be a mam who’s emotionally available and to have built the most amazing, authentic relationship with my daughter.”
Joyce shares her story to help others.
She says: “I suffered in silence for 20 years. I don’t share what I’ve been through because of ego; I do it to give people hope. I couldn’t go three minutes without thinking about alcohol but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
“I always thought of an alcoholic as an old man on a park bench. When I went to AA and met all these amazing people, I realised that anyone could be an alcoholic. The only difference was that instead of a park bench it was my sofa.
“If you want to recover, you need to get honest and believe in yourself or borrow someone else’s belief. I will believe in you until you can believe in yourself.”